


The 1

by justasparkwriting



Series: folklore [5]
Category: Real Person Fiction, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Best Friends, Dating, F/M, Folklore, Friends With Benefits, Hook Up, Love, NYC, New Year's Eve, New Years, OFC - Freeform, One Night Stand, Original Female Characters - Freeform, Other, Smut, bts - Freeform, the 1 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27536548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justasparkwriting/pseuds/justasparkwriting
Summary: A chance encounter after New Years leads to a complicated relationship between two people who can't help but ask, if everything had been different... would everything be different?
Relationships: Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Original Character(s), Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Reader, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/You
Series: folklore [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2012737
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	1. Making It Count

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chance encounter in a bar shortly after New Year's leads to complications.

New York City was still recovering from the celebration, ringing in a New Year meant many things to the city, and it brought with it a chaotic energy that at times felt like a gnarly hangover, lingering days and weeks after the celebration, always threatening to pull you back under just when you thought the nausea had subsided.

On this particular night, you had begrudgingly put your coat on, a worn emerald number that was starting to let the cold seep through and walked from your apartment to meet your best friends. It was a celebratory tradition, the night before you went back to work, you met, had a drink, shared your resolutions for the year and promised one another three things: find all the pennies you could, have adventures, and do one thing every month that was new or scary. It was a tradition that you’d started years ago, finding the city scary and worrying you’d made the wrong choice in moving there for university. It was a pact, both to yourselves and to each other, to grow, to learn, to push yourselves. Complicity had no place in New York City, and no place in your lives.

You arrived first and made a beeline for the bar, sidling in between a group of guys who were at least two drinks in, celebrating before going back to work, and a single gentleman who was content sipping his cocktail. He cocked an eyebrow at you and smiled softly.

“What can I get you?” The bar tender asked. His voice was gruff, and the bags under his eyes alluded to the long shifts he’d been working.

“Umm, can I get,” You instinctively tugged at the hangnail on your thumb, trying to decide what you were in the mood for, “I’ll have what he’s got – unless it’s gin, no gin, please don’t be gin.”

The man next to you laughed, “No gin, but I do have a friend, Jin, who I’m sure would be offended by your request.”

You laughed. This man looked familiar, that smile, the scrunch of his eyes… You knew him from somewhere, but where?

“Coming up,” The bartender busied himself making your drink, and you quickly pulled your phone out of your bag.

“You’ll like it,” He said, trying to pull your attention from you screen.

“Hmm?” You turned to the man.

“The drink, you’ll like it,” He said again.

“How do you know?” You asked setting your phone on the bar.

“I have a feeling,” He winked.

“I’m intrigued,” You smiled.

“Are you here alone?” He asked. Friendly wasn’t common in a bar in Brooklyn, people nodded, but they kept to themselves. You could hear it in his accent that this wasn’t his home, and you wanted to know how he found himself in this dive on a Sunday night.

“Um, for the moment, yes. My friends are coming,” You handed the bartender your card to pay.

“Let me, I don’t want you spending your money on something you might hate,” the man said, reaching his black card across the bar. Your curiosity was peaked, who was he?

“I’m Y/N,” You said, extending a hand.

“Ho-Seok,” He responded, shaking your hand firmly. You were suddenly aware of the butterflies in your stomach, wings beating against your insides.

“J-Hope,” It was a whisper, a secret you were asking if he knew.

“Yes,” He said laughing. “You know?”

“You’re the worlds hope, of course I know,” You responded, blush rising to your cheeks. “That was, wild,”

Ho-Seok laughed heartily. “You know, some people would freak out.”

“Oh, don’t you worry, I am internally screaming and am deeply embarrassed by my actions,” You took a hearty swig from your drink, wishing it was a double.

“Don’t be,” He said.

“Alright Mr. Charming, my friends just got here, thank you for the drink,” You said smiling.

“I might stick around, if I do, can I talk to you again?” Ho-Seok asked.

“You want to talk to me, some more?” Your eyebrows knitted together, what had you done that would make this idol want to speak with you, more?

“Yes, I’d like to get to know you,” His smile was overwhelming.

“Yeah, yeah, I’d like that,” blushing, you turned on your heels and made a bee line for your friends.

“Okay, why are you sitting with us when you could be talking to him?” Katie asked, eyes trained on the man who couldn’t help but react to your absence.

“We made a deal,” You said.

“Yeah, a pact freshman year of college, and what’s the foundational pillar of our pact?” Emily prodded.

“To try something new,” You grumbled.

“Right, so go try something new,” Katie pushed.

“Asian dick?” You asked laughing.

“No, a one-night stand with a hottie who is clearly into you,” Emily finished.

“He bought my drink,” You blushed.

“Then why did you leave? You’re testing the universe! Stop begging for a sign that you shouldn’t do this and just, pussy up and do it!” Katie would ruin you if you let her.

“And mercury isn’t in retrograde, so stop fucking around and go get fucked,” Emily added.

“Fine.”

You wove your way through the incessantly crowded bar and sat down next to Ho-Seok, a smile tugging at the corner of your lips.

“You came back!” He cheered.

“I did,” You laughed.

“I’m glad. Can I get you another drink?” He asked.

“Um, yes, tequila, on the rocks, lemon wedge, please.”

That was how it began, you and Ho-Seok. You stayed at the bar until the bell for last call was rung, a signal that you had spent your entire evening enraptured in his words. He pulled you into his orbit, and you were beginning to get lost in the atmosphere.

“Do you want to get out of here?” You asked, eyebrows raised. He could hear the question in your tone, the wavering in your eyes, was the night ending, or just beginning?

“Let’s,” He said standing.

“We can go back to mine, it’s only a few blocks,” You stood and slipped your coat on.

“Perfect,” He smiled again, that smile that was dizzying. As you led him out of the bar, he slipped his hand into yours, tethering you to him.

You stumbled into your apartment, alcohol and the biting cold mixing around you, drawing your bodies together as your lips sought each other’s flesh. His kiss was purposeful, powerful, his tongue tasted like mint and tequila, a combination that in any other season would’ve been off putting. But as Ho-Seok kissed you, it was enticing. The cold that you’d felt as you left your apartment departed as you stumbled in, a gorgeous man’s hands trying to ravage your body through your thick coat.

“Off,” You said, parting your lips to take off your jackets and kick off your shoes. You guided him to the couch, and as you straddled his legs, you felt his hand slip between you, quickly unbuckling your jeans and unzipping them, granting him more access to your heat. You moaned into his mouth, encouraging him to continue. Deftly, he slipped his fingers under your panties and split your lips, coating his fingers in your arousal before he began figure eights over your clit.

You moaned greedily into his mouth, tongues exploring, teeth gnashing, lips becoming bruised. The atmosphere was beginning to swallow you, and your head was beginning to swim with questions.

“Ho-Seok, stop, stop,” you said, body going rigid under his touch.

“Are you alright?” He asked, hand moving quickly from between your legs.

“I just need to think straight, and I can’t do that with you between my thighs,” You replied, moving from his lap to sit next to him on the couch.

“What do you need to think about?” He turned to face you, chest heaving.

“I, I don’t want to sleep with you because you’re famous.” You responded.

“Is that what this is? It’s okay if it is,” he said.

“I want to sleep with you because I like you,” You told him.

“But you’re unsure,” He was trying to follow your train of thought.

“I want my intentions to be pure. I don’t want to look back on this as the night I wasted by not fucking you, but I also don’t want to look back on tonight and regret taking advantage of you.”

“You’re not taking advantage of me,” He said.

“But are you taking advantage of me?” You asked.

“I wouldn’t have spent all evening with you if I wasn’t into you,” Ho-Seok said.

“I just, can we just keep talking and see what happens?” You asked, eyes starring at the skin on your thumb that you were frantically picking at.

“I’d love that,” Ho-Seok reached out to take your hand in his, placing a soft kiss on your palm.

“I have water, flat and sparkling, ginger ale, Prosecco and tequila,” you offered, standing from his lap.

“What are you in the mood for?” He grinned.

“Tequila. I can make a Manhattan Goes Hollywood?”

“A what?”

“It’s like a Manhattan, but with tequila,” You informed him.

“I’d love that,” Ho-Seok followed you the few paces into your kitchen, where you busied yourself making two Manhattan Goes Hollywood. You’d heard in some interview, Vogue 73 Questions to be exact, that Taylor Swift recommenced learning to make one cocktail and one dish perfectly, to impress guests. Aside from white wine sangria, this version of a Manhattan was your go to. Ho-Seok washed his hands quickly before placing himself cross the island from you.

Ho-Seok watched eagerly. He’d made a few drinks before, but watching you was thrilling. You deftly cut into the orange, measured the liquor and mixed each drink carefully before single straining them and pouring it over a geometric ice cube in a rock glass. He was impressed by your gadgets and gizmos, finding each new thing he learned about you more and more beguiling.

“This is delicious,” he said, sipping soundly on his drink.

“I’m glad,” you smiled, relieved to be talking instead of fucking, to share yourselves before you became a part of each other.

“How does it feel?” You asked, watching him closely. He cocked his head to the side.

“How does what feel?”

“Jet setting. Seeing everything, being everywhere, meaning something to so many,” you said. He was taken aback, but he shouldn’t have been, your evening had been filled with confessions and absolutions. You weren’t leaving any stone unturned.

“It’s, marvelous, and scary, and lonely, and euphoric.”

“Have you had moments where you’ve regretted it?” You wondered.

“Of course… Training and after our debut, it seemed like everything was against us, we were never going to make an impact or create music that meant something.”

“What’d you do?”

“We put our heads down and worked,” Ho-Seok took another sip.

“What’s that like?” You were so curious.

“What do you mean?” A faint smile on his lips, he cocked his head to the side, taking you in. Your cheeks were flushed from the alcohol, and you’d tossed your hair into a loose ponytail, which allowed him to take in the beauty of your face.

“That pressure, what’s that like?”

“Deafening,” His smile faltered.

“I don’t know how you handle it; I would crack.”

“We’re a team, you know, only as strong as our weakest link. We have to be strong, for each other,” Ho-Seok finished his drink, the alcohol causing him to glow.

“And ARMY,” You added.

“Mmm, yeah,”

“Do you ever wish you could just, settle down? Find someone, take them home, make a life together without the spotlight?”

“I think about what I would do if my knee gave out, or I couldn’t perform… But I’m not ready to settle down. I haven’t met anyone that I’ve wanted that with,” Ho-Seok thought about your question. He’d been single for so long, what would that life be like? Having someone to come home to, to call before he went to sleep after a show… to spend his days with?

“Do you think you ever will?” You wondered.

“I hope so,” He said, sighing.

“Mmm,” you moved from your kitchen island to look out your window, staring down at Brooklyn as Sunday bled into Monday, the fresh snow rising as it stood on the backs of the flakes that had fallen first. Ho-Seok joined you, loosely draping his arm across your waist, pulling you to him.

“So, tell me,” he said, “when I leave tomorrow, will I see you again?”

“Do you want to?” Your words came out a full octave higher than you intended.

“Yes,” he placed a chaste kiss to your lips, tequila and bitters mixing with the lingering lemon on yours.

“Then yes, I’ll be here when you, you know, are back in New York.” You kept your gaze on him, his chocolate orbs pulling you to his orbit once again.

“Promise me something,” He said, eyes scanning your face, taking in your features, the curve of your cheeks, the slope of your nose, the way your lips naturally parted.

“Do we know each other well enough to make promises?” You whispered.

“Maybe not, but who’s keeping track?” His eyes were flirty, daring you to look away. “Promise that until we meet again, you’ll have your own adventures.”

“I do have adventures, this was an adventure,” You pouted.

“Yeah, but don’t wait for a blue moon to do something bold, promise?”

You looked to the window and caught him staring at your reflections in the window.

“Promise,” you whispered.

“And,” He said, setting his water glass on the windowsill before he reached for yours, only to bring your arms around his neck.

“I don’t think you get more than one promise,” You said skeptically.

“Promise that we’ll see each other again,” Ho-Seok’s hands burned your flesh, seeping heat through your sweater.

“Promise,” You said.

Ho-Seok crashed his lips onto yours, the intimacy of your conversations conveying the depth he felt towards you. How could you have found him, his last night in New York, and how could either of you go so long without seeing one another? As his tongue refamiliarized itself with yours, you began to guide him to your bedroom, clothes falling off, euphoria washing over you as the sun rose.

As you laid together, legs still intertwined, fingers playing with each other’s hair, tracing moles and veins, committing your flesh to your memories, you whispered secrets into the night, and in the morning. As Ho-Seok slipped his clothes back on, morning light cascading over your naked form, he left a kiss on your cheek, and a phone number on your nightstand.


	2. Well Enough Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer in the city means one thing: Ho-Seok's back.

The beginning of summer in New York was a mixture of heat and stench, the smells of the city rotting under the suns unrelenting gaze. Summer in the city was a mixture of absolute hell and immense pleasure, as rooftop parties, pool gatherings and air conditioning entangled themselves with the sweat and grime of the subway. It was your favorite season, sun dresses and eyelet shorts with chunky sandals and sunglass fashion was enough to tide you through until fall.

It also meant that Ho-Seok would be returning, his first time back since your triste in January. You decided to meet at the bar, and you hoped that you’d fall back into the ease and comfort of your first romantic escapade.

You stepped into the bar, the summer sun illuminating the typically dark and dingy business. You turned your head, craning to see the brilliant smile of Ho-Seok, only to come up short.

“Looking for someone?” A man said, arm slipping around your waist. You turned; eyes wide.

“Hobi!” You called, wrapping your arms around him, pulling him to you. He laughed cheerfully and inhaled your shampoo, the scent bringing him back to whispers over tequila and scratches in the night. He held you tight, savoring the comfort of your familiarity.

“I missed you, Y/N.”

“I missed you, too,” You blushed as you pulled away from him.

“Shall we?” He gestured towards the bar and you moved to take two seats in the corner, far from the growing crowd but close to the air conditioning. He left briefly to get drinks, and when he came back, he winked as he handed you your glass.

“Manhattan Goes Hollywood,” He said, taking a sip, “not as good as yours.”

“You remember that?”

“I remember a lot of things,” He said. You blushed again. “Did you break our promise?”

“My promise to you? No, I didn’t.” You said.

“So tell me, what adventures did you go on?” Ho-Seok didn’t stop smiling.

“I went to Rome,” You informed him.

“No way,” He was surprised.

“I did, I got lost and had to ask no less than five strangers in broken Italian how to get back to my hotel.” 

“Did you go alone?”

“My friends and I went, but we took a day to explore the sites we wanted to see, alone. Katie went to Verona, Emily went to _____. I went to see the Saint Valentine skull and got lost.”

“No!”

“Yeah, it was awful, I had several panic attacks,” You sipped your drink, the alcohol warming your already too hot skin.

“But you made it back,” Ho-Seok tipped his glass to you, humor in his eyes.

“Yes, I made it back before dark, but barely,” You laughed, embarrassed at your blunder.

“What else did you do?” He was egging you on, daring you to share wild escapades you’d had while he was touring, the ultimate adventure.

“I took molly at a Kim Petras concert in Bushwick,” You were unsure how he’d respond to your foray into illicit drugs. In true Ho-Seok fashion, his shock came across in a raucous laugh.

“You didn’t!”

“I did, it was, euphoric,” You said.

“I can imagine,” He responded, eyes veiled with an emotion you couldn’t recognize. “You didn’t text me though.”

You bit your lip. There were unclear boundaries in your relationship, this cat and mouse, never sure what was okay and what wasn’t, putting things out into the universe to see what would stick, often coming up short as he crossed time zones and continents. By texting him, he meant purposefully seeking him out. Not the snapchats, drunken messages late at night or voice messages sent. Ho-Seok meant you hadn’t texted him or sought him out when you realized you’d be in Europe at the same time. He meant you didn’t reach out when you saw something that reminded you of him, or when you heard BTS in the speakers at Target. You’d written the texts, you’d almost hit send dozens of time, but each time you stopped yourself. Ho-Seok didn’t want a relationship. He wasn’t interested in settling down. It didn’t matter if you felt a connection to him, if your heart wanted his every day. He made it clear in January, no matter how many times you turned his words, his actions, over in your mind, you came to the same conclusion. 

You were both playing the game, but only one of you could win.

“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” You said, eyes unable to move from his.

“I did,” He said.

“You didn’t text either,” You reminded him.

“I know,” He said, eyes darting to your lips.

You stayed like that, unmoving, eyes trying to communicate what had happened in the months since you’d been in each other’s orbit.

“You saved the voice messages,” You said.

“So did you,” Ho-Seok countered. It was moot point. There was no upper hand.

“Do you want to get out of here?” You asked, ice saturating your drink, the unrest in your body making you uncomfortable.

“Your place?” He questioned.

“You’re forward,” You forced a laugh, a poor attempt at breaking some of the tension.

“We don’t have to-

“I know,” You stood.

“We can but, I’m happy just being,”

“Together,” you finished.

“Yes,” He nodded.

You nodded in response before standing up and much like before, your hands found each other’s as you guided him back to the street. Ho-Seok looked left and right, before glancing down at you.

“Are you trying to navigate us, or just being cute?”

“Can’t I be both?”

“Sure, Ho-Seok, sure,” You laughed again, guiding him down the familiar streets to your apartment. “How long are you here for?”

“Four days,” He said.

“Doing?”

“A photo shoot, somethings for MTV, Today Summer Concert series,”

“Holy fuck, how did I forget?” You stopped in the middle of the street, staring at Ho-Seok. “Friday, right?”

“Yes,”

“That’s so exciting! It’s going to be a fucking madhouse!” You were giddy, new BTS content? Yes, please.

“I know, I’m excited,” He took your excitement and leveled up. Euphoria seeping through his chuckles.

“How are the guys feeling?” You asked.

“Good, excited to perform again,” He said, energy flowing freely between you.

“It’s not like it’s been years since you performed.”

“No, but you still miss it after a week or two off,” Ho-Seok said.

Ho-Seok had a few weeks off… why didn’t he come to New York sooner? YOU’RE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND, yelled the voices of Emily and Katie.

“What are you going to perform?” You asked, pulling yourself back to him.

“I can’t tell you that,” He laughed again.

“Please?” You begged, bottom lip jutting out, eyes swelling.

“What do I get in return?” Ho-Seok’s tone was teasing, you both knew he didn’t want anything from you.

“What do you want?” You asked. You had reached your apartment, and as you walked up the two flights of stairs, Hobi thought about what exactly he was trying to get from you. He didn’t want anything, and yet, he felt like he wanted everything from you and with you. He had kept your voice messages and wouldn’t delete your voicemails. He had a file of screenshots of drunk texts you’d sent, confessions late at night… He couldn’t count the number of times he reached to text you… the phone calls and facetimes he’d said were an accident but were really his feeble attempt at reaching out to you. All he wanted was to talk to you, to tell you about the shows, to fly you to him, to talk to you, to be with you. But he couldn’t.

“Come to the show on Friday,” He offered.

“What?” Your heart stood still.

“Come to the show, I’ll put you on the list.” He tried to brush it off like it was nothing, an innocent outing.

“Ho-Seok, would the guys be okay with that? Is that allowed?” Your mind began to race with possibilities.

“Why not? Yes, it’s allowed, we can hang out after,” He shrugged.

“Okay,” You said hesitantly.

“Yeah?” His smile was back.

“Yeah!” You smiled.

Ho-Seok pulled you to him, first in a hug, then his lips found yours. He missed the way you tasted, the way your fingers scrunched around his shirt, holding him to you by the thread count. He missed the sounds you made, the warmth he felt in your embrace. He’d missed you.

Ho-Seok slipped out before you awoke, a kiss on your cheek and a note on your nightstand. He’d have management send a car for you on Friday morning and bring you to the Plaza to watch. You’d get brunch with the guys after, some secluded five-star restaurant that the team had arranged. You were impressed that he’d scribbled this much before 6AM, and more impressed that he’d found a sticky note in your clusterfuck of a desk.

As you sat with your girlfriends the next day at lunch, you relegated your previous escapades.

“He’s your international fuckbuddy,” Katie said, sipping on her espresso.

“Isn’t that the best of all the worlds?” Emily asked.

“I think?” You said, unconvinced.

“You think? He fucks you when he’s in town, then it’s no strings attached the months he’s gone. What’s wrong with that?” Katie prodded.

“Nothing’s _wrong_ with it,” You said shrugging.

“You’ve caught feelings,” Emily said.

“I’m just not sure that that’s what this is,” You dipped your toe in the water of their judgement.

“Does he call you when he’s gone?” Katie pressed.

“Sometimes,”

“And you text often?” Emily asked.

“Often enough,” You said.

“Aren’t you just strangers who fuck? I don’t understand this confusion,” Katie said, eyes narrowing.

“I don’t know if that’s all it is,” You tried to explain.

“What would give you an idea that you’re anything other than American pussy?” Katie asked.

“The way he looks at me, and the things he’s says… He waxes poetic every time we’re together,” You told them.

“To get you into bed?” Emily asked.

“Why would an international idol fuck with me?” You questioned, more force behind your words than you’d intended.

“You’re hot and intelligent?” Katie offered.

“Beautiful and charismatic?” Emily added.

“I just mean, he could be fucking anyone, right? But he’s sleeping with me on the off days he’s in New York. He says things… He doesn’t treat me like a fuck buddy,” You were growing flustered and upset. Couldn’t they understand what you were hinting at?

“Other than only fucking you when he’s in town?” Katie laughed; disbelief written across her face.

“And barely speaking to you otherwise?” Emily said, unlocking her phone to check her emails.

“Never mind,” You rolled your eyes.

“I’m just trying to understand-

“I don’t want to talk about it,” You said, disappointment in your eyes.

You’d shared almost every detail of your relationship with Ho-Seok. From how his hands felt on your body to the things he’d whispered to you as you laid in bed. They’d told you your relationship was nothing more than sex, that Ho-Seok was far too busy and important to want anything else from you.

If you thought about it rationally, it made sense. But in your heart, as you looked into his eyes, or read his texts, or saw the number of missed facetime calls you shared, you knew it was more. There was something _there_ in his gaze, in his words, in his kiss. Why else had he promised that you’d see one another again, the next time he was in New York?

This was your mindset as you stepped out of the chauffeured car at the Today Show. The whir of the crew and BTS handlers buzzing as they prepped for the performance overwhelmed your senses as you were guided to where the men were.

“Y/N!” Ho-Seok called, moving from a conversation with Namjoon to hug you. The men glanced at you, taking in your appearance as Ho-Seok spoke to you. “You’re here! It’s going to be so great.”

Your smile faltered, you hadn’t expected a kiss, on the lips or cheek, but a brief hug? Hadn’t he been in your bed two nights ago, moaning your name, coming undone inside you? The prying eyes made you uncomfortable as you glanced around at the men trying to focus before their early show. The energy was electric, caffeine and adrenaline mixing with the vibe of an early summer morning in the greatest city in the world. It was intoxicating.

“Guys, this is Y/N,” Ho-Seok called, looking at his six bandmates. “You can introduce yourselves later.”

The men were guided to the stage, where they were introduced and began their performance. You’d never seen them this close, and were in awe of every note, every step, every movement. Ho-Seok commanded the stage, oozing talent and sex appeal as he led the group through routine after routine. You were equal parts amazed and so turned on. You recognized his hip thrust, the slight twerk of his ass, the furrow in his brow. His voice was gorgeous, clear and strong over the throngs of screaming ARMY. Who wouldn’t want something more with him?

Your mind was hazy as they came off the stage, interview segments completed. Ho-Seok crashed into your arms, holding you tight.

“You were so fucking good,” You said laughing. He laughed to, merriment filling the dressing room.

“All for you,” He said, resting his sweaty forehead against yours.

“Ew, you’re so sweaty,” You said.

“That’s not what you said the other night when you were sticking to me.”

“Two can play that game,” You replied, eyes squinting.

“Oh?” He asked, daring you to say something in a room filled with his brothers.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice your hips, or that furl of your brow,” Your words were hushed, an intimate conversation between lovers.

“Mm, recognized them, eh?” He smirked before untangling himself from you. “Give us a bit, we’ll go to brunch.”

“Okay,” You said, and you stood still, watching Ho-Seok walk towards the showers as his hand slowly slipped from yours.

The other men moved around you, showering, changing, thanking staff and wrapping up their time at the Today Show. It was the highest viewed concert series, with the largest audience that the Today Show had seen since One Direction and BTS’ last foray in the summer heat.

After thanking the hosts and signing a few merch items, BTS left, you in tow, to pile into a few vans headed for brunch. Ho-Seok insisted in taking a separate car, just the two of you, or at least it was until Jin decided he needed to chaperone.

“Oh, yeah, I hear this place is good, I did some research,” Jin said as the car moved through Manhattan.

“Mm, I’m starving,” Ho-Seok commented. His fingers were wound in yours, and your bodies were close together, shoulders touching.

“Y/N, what are you going to get?” Jin asked.

“Maybe eggs, but I’m kind of feeling waffles,”

“And a mimosa,” Ho-Seok laughed.

“Oh, bottomless,” You said giggling.

“Mostly champagne,” Ho-Seok said.

“With a drop of orange,” You added.

“Your favorite,” He glanced at you, smile crinkling his eyes. He remembered.

The three of you piled out of the car and were ushered quickly into the restaurant, Ho-Seok’s hand still in yours. As you sat down, Ho-Seok on your right, Namjoon on your left, you took in the Bangtan. Their striking beauty was blinding. How each of them had managed to find their way to Big Hit and stick it out was beyond you. There couldn’t possibly be anyone in the world more beautiful than them. 

“Y/N, tell us, how is your friendship with J-Hope going?” Namjoon asked as he sipped on his Bloody Mary.

“I’m impressed you stay friends with him,” Yoongi muttered.

“I’m an excellent friend!” Ho-Seok exclaimed.

“It’s going well, yeah, I’m glad we get to see each other when he’s in town,” You smiled at the men, hoping they won’t notice how flustered you’d become. 

“He’s a good friend, always so optimistic,” Taehyung added.

“Except when he’s blasting music, dancing at four thirty in the morning,” Yoongi commented.

“It was one time!” Jungkook said, coming to his hyung’s defense.

“Why were you even awake?” Jimin asked.

“I was preparing for –

“You barely slept,” Yoongi said, voice serious.

“Nervous energy,” Ho-Seok responded.

“The performance was amazing,” You interjected, noting the tension between the two men. “I love how you pull out your back catalogue for every performance.”

“We fight about it, a lot,” Namjoon said.

“Only because some of us are wrong,” Jimin said.

“You’re just mad because –

“Let’s not fight when we have a guest,” Namjoon interjected.

“Yeah, we can fight on our flight to Brazil,” Jin said. “Plenty of hours to bicker,”

“Y/N, do your other friends like Ho-Seok?” Taehyung asked.

“Um, they’ve never met,”

“They haven’t? But he spends so much time with you, talking to you, about you,” Jin rambled.

“Um, yeah, it’s just never lined up,” You took a large swig of champagne, “I’m sure they’d like him.”

“Unless he’s dancing at-

“Shut up Yoongi!” Jimin said through laughs.

“So Brazil, what will that be like?” You asked.

As the boys launched into their excitement for returning to South America, you sat and lost track of your thoughts. How many times had they called you a _friend_ , said they were glad Ho-Seok had a _friend_ like you, wanted to become your _friend_. _Friend_.

Is that what you were? You grew uncomfortable as the conversation lingered on, the men laughing and Namjoon translating quickly the funny things they were saying. Ho-Seok kept an arm around your shoulders, eating with his non dominant hand, just to hold you close. You felt no comfort in his gesture as your anxiety grew.

“They think we’re friends?” You asked, Ho-Seok’s hand in yours as the car took off towards Brooklyn.

“Yeah, aren’t we?” He countered.

“I don’t know, do friends know what it’s like to be inside the other?” You scoffed.

“Y/N,” He said, cocking his head toward the driver.

“I’m just asking,” You responded.

“Can we talk about this at your apartment?” He pleaded.

“I’d prefer to talk about it now,” You turned to face him.

“We’re friends,” Ho-Seok was treading lightly, you could hear it in the breath he put into the word ‘friends’.

“Aren’t we more?” Your voice betrayed your cool demeanor.

“I, I don’t think we can be,” Ho-Seok said.

You turned to face forward, hand slowly slipping out of his. You made a list of every sad song you wanted to listen to as you drank the half open bottle of Prosecco in your fridge, tears inevitable. Ho-Seok didn’t say anything, didn’t try to bring you back to him. The gravitational pull had been severed and you both were spinning.

“Thanks for uh, making sure I got home, and for letting me spend the day with you,” You said, unbuckling your seatbelt.

“Of course, can I walk you up?” His eyes were sad.

“No, I don’t think that’d be a good idea,” You said opening the door to the summer heat.

“Y/N,” He was searching for you.

“Ho-Seok, have a safe flight, okay?”

He leaned in to place a kiss on your lips, but you turned, lips landing on your cheek. Getting out of the car, you didn’t look back.

Why couldn’t you have left well enough alone?


	3. Never Gonna Grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The New Year’s crowds had begun to ebb as the first snowfall of the new year began to fall. You hadn’t planned on leaving your apartment that evening, but a text from an unfamiliar number begging you to meet at a certain bar down the street was forcing you to slip on your emerald coat, boots still warm from wearing them all day, to trudge towards a reconciliation you weren’t mentally prepared for.
> 
> He was waiting for you, body close to the door, willing you to show up.

The New Year’s crowds had begun to ebb as the first snowfall of the new year began to fall. You hadn’t planned on leaving your apartment that evening, but a text from an unfamiliar number begging you to meet at a certain bar down the street was forcing you to slip on your emerald coat, boots still warm from wearing them all day, to trudge towards a reconciliation you weren’t mentally prepared for.

He was waiting for you, body close to the door, willing you to show up.

“I missed you,” He said, pulling you to him.

“Good,” You said. You hadn’t bothered dressing up, leggings and an oversized sweater were all you could manage after a shitty week, capping off with Ho-Seok calling and texting, begging you to show, it was your 1-year anniversary, wasn’t it?

“Hi, can we get two-

“Tequila shots, shaken please,” You interjected. Ho-Seok looked at you surprised, you smirked. Alcohol was the only way you were going to get through this, unsure what he even wanted from you.

“It’s a new year, have you had any adventures?” He asked trying to break your icy demeanor.

“No,” You responded.

“Y/N” He said, eyes asking you to be kinder.

“Ho-Seok,” You said, unwilling to compromise.

“You broke a promise,” He whispered.

“Didn’t you break it first?” You snipped.

“How?” He asked.

“Fallon.” You said, flagging the bartender down for another shot.

“We were on a strict-

“You didn’t even tell me, I found out from fucking Instagram.”

“I’m sorry,” Ho-Seok said.

“Not sorry enough to text,” You snapped. You looked around the bar, it was empty for a Wednesday night, the first week after the New Year. The tourists had gone home, the regulars were slow to come back, and here you sat. The same place that had started this bull shit.

“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” He said.

“Of course I wanted you to,” You were incredulous, haven’t you had this conversation before?

“You didn’t text,”

“Well I didn’t break a fucking promise, so I didn’t know I had to.”

“I’m sorry,”

“Sorrys not good enough,” You shook your head, your loose messy ponytail coming undone.

“Then what is?” He asked, desperation in his voice.

“I don’t know!” It was taking everything in you to not cry, push him off the stool and stomp home.

“I don’t want to fight with you,” Ho-Seok reached for your hand, you pulled it back.

“I’ve had a shitty fucking week, and I’m sitting here with, with you,” You said through gritted teeth.

“What’s wrong with me?” He asked.

“You broke a promise, your own damn promise, Hobi,” You responded.

“Hobi?” His eyebrows were knitted together in confusion.

“That’s your name isn’t it?” You barked.

“Yes, but you never call me that,” He commented, staring ahead at the shelves of alcohol behind the bar.

“Well, you rarely call me anything so,” You muttered.

“I’m sorry. We were filming all day, then performing every night, management put in a strict no visitors policy, there was nothing I could do.” His eyes stared ahead at an indiscriminate spot on the bar, varnish worn from spilled liquid and the friction of sliding glasses.

“You could’ve texted me, or called me to say you’d be in town but couldn’t see me, literally anything,” You turned to look at him. He’d shrunk into himself.

“I’m sorry,” He rasped.

“It was _so_ embarrassing,” You said, getting to the heart of your frustration.

“Forgive me,” Ho-Seok pleaded.

“Buy me a drink,” You responded.

“Absolutely,” He said, flagging down the bartender. He order two of something, you weren’t listening well enough to hear.

“I did have adventures,” You huffed as the drink was set down in front of you.

“Do tell,” Ho-Seok encouraged.

“I experimented with hate sex, you heard of it?” You asked.

“What? No,” He was caught off guard. You hadn’t spoken of sex with other people, ever.

“It’s when you hate someone, so you fuck them to let off steam,” You informed him, sipping on your drink. It bit, just what you needed.

“Did it work?” Ho-Seok had so many questions.

“Yeah, turned into this weird friends with benefits thing,” You shrugged.

“Is that what you want?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know where my heart is lately, or apparently my cunt, so,” You shrugged and laughed as his eyes went wide. Your mouth had gotten filthier in the months since he’d seen you.

“I feel the same,” He said, “I don’t know where my heart is,”

“Mm, probably where you left it,” You said. He chuckled at your bad joke, a smile gracing his lips.

“Are you still sleeping with them?” He asked, unwilling to let his real questions cross his lips.

“Yeah, New Years is brutal and fucking some guy from your office that you can’t stand is a lot more fun than getting obliterated with your friends and willing yourself not to text the one person you want to,” You had also begun experimenting with telling the truth, to the point at which it made Katie and Emily ask if you were okay. You were, just tired and annoyed.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Regular dick,” You laughed darkly. “I’m sorry, I’ve been spiraling for months and this is just the culmination of it all.”

“Are you okay?” Ho-Seok reached out to take your hand, you let him.

“No, are you?” You questioned. 

“No,” He said firmly. 

“You’ve got the Grammy’s coming up,” You tried to pivot the conversation. You could stew for days, fuck, you had been mad at him for months. But he was here. 

“Yeah,” He nodded. 

“That’s exciting,” You smiled lightly. 

“It is, I’m looking forward to it.” 

“Your new album is amazing,” You said. 

“You like it?” He asked. 

“Love it, which in turn makes me hate it,” You said, taking a sip of the water the bartender had put in front of you. 

“Because you hate me?” Ho-Seok didn't look at you, just held your hand. 

“Why would you ask that?” You felt small.

“You’re not too pleased to see me,” He said. 

“You hurt me,” You stated. 

“You hurt me, too,” Ho-Seok countered. 

“How? What could I have possibly done to hurt you?” You snapped. 

“Do you ever listen to those voice memos you send me?” He asked. 

“No,” You said, shaking your head. 

“Well you should,” 

“Ho-Seok, please just tell me. I can’t bear to listen to my drunk rambling. What did I say? That I love you? That I want your babies? That you could be the one if we could just fucking figure this out? That I hate you? What did I say?”

“You get drunk, and you message me, and you say how much I mean to you, and how you feel like I’m constantly stringing you along, and that we can’t go on like this… But then you get drunk again and leave the same message.”

“Alright that’s not as bad as it could be,” You said shrugging.

“Do you really think those things?” Ho-Seok tried to hide his hope as he asked you.

“No,” Your tone was quick and sharp. Admitting how much he means to you is one thing, admitting that it feels like Ho-Seok is stringing you along is another, but copping to the fact that you feel both of those things, and the myriad of others meant admitting that there was a part of you that wanted more from him. You wouldn’t let yourself.

You registered the change in his face as you lied. The hurt and confusion, the realization that he didn’t know how you actually felt about your arrangement. You couldn’t tell if he was sad that you didn’t want him, or sad that you were lying to him, or sad that he’d been hurting you.

The guys had called you friends numerous times, referred to you as his special friend, in hopes that Ho-Seok wouldn’t fall for you. He couldn’t, there was no way it would ever work. They discouraged his messages to you, stopped him from facetiming, and tried to get you off his mind in any way possible. He’d mentioned texting you about Fallon, but they’d discouraged it. There was no time, he couldn’t sneak away for whatever triste you two were having, you couldn’t come to the tapings, it wouldn’t work. They needed Ho-Seok to distance himself from you in order to lessen the heartbreak that was just around the corner.

“Ho-Seok, what’s on your mind?” Your hand squeezed his, trying to pull him back to you.

“I start military service in a few months,” His gaze drifted from you to that spot on the bar. 

“What?”

“Mandatory military service,”

“What the fuck is that?” You questioned.

“Every man in Korea has to serve. They decided they’d let the seven of us complete it at the same time, so in a few months, we start training.” Ho-Seok glanced at you. The shock permanent on your face.

“For how long?” You demanded.

“Two years,” He took a sip of his drink, emptying the glass.

“What?” Your eyes were wide.

“Two years and some change,” He shrugged.

“Why? What’s the point? You’re not at war unless Korea is planning something… This isn’t the 1950s!” Your anger was getting the best of you. This was the cherry on top of your shittastic week. You were losing Ho-Seok and you couldn’t understand why.

“1950s?” Ho-Seok’s gaze landed on you, confusion on his face.

“The Korean War,” You stated.

“Oh, yeah, no, no war as far as I know,” His eyes stayed on you, calculating the horror in your eyes, the way your breathing had picked up speed, the furrow of your brow, the panicked way you were picking at the skin on your thumb. Your panic was endearing, and he felt the first shreds of heartache.

“So, two years?” You said.

“Two years,” He confirmed.

You averted your gaze, unable to stop the tears that were starting to form. You took his hand again, unable to look at him as the tears began to fall. You’d started the evening ready to light him on fire, but here you were, ashes already.

“It’ll be okay,” Ho-Seok’s calm tone broke through as he placed his other hand on top of yours, enveloping it in a warm embrace.

“Okay,” You whispered.

“Hey, look at me,” He whispered.

“What?” You said, a tear leaking from your eyes.

“I’ll be back,” He said, resolute.

“In two years, and _some_ _change_ ,” Your voice wavered.

“I know, it’s long, but we’ll be back, we’ll come here, and we’ll-

“Pick up where we left off?” You threw it out. Offering it to him as some sort of consolation prize.

“Yeah,” He looked down, unsure how to proceed.

“Ho-Seok, I can’t wait for you,” You whispered. 

“I don’t want you to,” Ho-Seok said.

His words were bullet to the chest, a black hole that was beginning to envelope you. He didn’t want you to wait, _at all_. This was heartbreak, this is what you knew was coming, what he knew was right around the corner. He was glad he’d have service to distract him from you. But two years wasn’t a long time, maybe he’d be back, maybe he’d come back to you and -

“Have adventures, maybe you’ll find someone to-

“Take home?” You interjected.

“Yeah,” His eyes were warm, his lips trying to pull into a comforting smile. He could see the panic in your eyes, the sadness seeping into the air you were exchanging.

“Do you want to get out of here?” You asked, pulling your hand from his.

“Yes,” He said, grateful for a distraction.

You nodded wordlessly, slipping off the stool and pulling your emerald green coat on. Ho-Seok smiled, he’d been drawn to the color a year ago, curious to know the woman inside it. Whenever he saw the color, he thought fondly of you.

As you walked through the bar, his hand in yours, you let the sorrow seep in. The overwhelming grief you were feeling was common, you’d felt it every time Ho-Seok had bid you adieu, the dread becoming a haze around you in the hours that you stayed wrapped in his arms, every kiss, every touch, laced with the knowledge that this was temporary. He would stay until the last possible minute, then dip. Every time he’d promise to call more, to text more often, and after your fight the last time, he’d tried. He did call more, he did text regularly, you put the “we’re just friends” debacle in the back of your minds, and instead focused on actually becoming friends. After you’d iced him out because of the Fallon incident, he’d been trying to work his way back into your good graces. Tonight, as you guided him down the familiar streets, back to your walk up, you wondered if he was contemplating what you two were doing.

“What are you thinking about?” He whispered in your ear as you slowly opened the door to your apartment.

“Nothing,” You said, stepping aside to let him in.

“You got a new chair!” He said, taking a seat in the newest addition to your home.

“Oh yeah, I did,” You hung your coat before moving to your kitchen, pouring a large glass of water and downing it.

“Are you okay?” He asked, eyeing you suspiciously.

“Yes,” You said.

“You don’t seem okay,” He relaxed into the chair, eyes trained on you.

“Well, I’m doing fucking fine,” You said chugging the last of your second glass.

“Say it,” Ho-Seok whispers.

“Say what?” You countered.

“What you’re thinking about?” He pushed.

“Whether or not I want you in the chair or in my bed,” You said. The blush crept over Ho-Seok’s cheeks; you’d never been this brazen with him. He could tell your mind was racing, trying to compartmentalize the emotions of the evening.

“Who says you have to pick?” He responded, smirking.

You rushed to him, lips hastily meeting his, hands reaching to untuck his shirt and unbutton it. You needed his skin on yours, his flesh intertwined with yours, lips becoming one as you stopped being able to tell where your body ended and his began. You wanted to forget the ache you felt when he’d left, the gnawing feeling that in another time, in another place, maybe this could’ve been. But as the sun rose, moving the city into another day of attempting to hustle through the cold, Ho-Seok left a note on your nightstand, a kiss on your temple, and said goodbye, knowing that if the situation had been different… maybe you would’ve been the one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (unsure if this is the actual end or if I'll write another chapter...)

**Author's Note:**

> (hope you like it)


End file.
